“Hunny”? “Hun”? HUH?!…

Spiro Agnew and Richard Nixon, ca. 1972

   Well, with the passing of William Safire, it looks as if others will have to step up and fill the resulting void as self-appointed watchdogs against abuse of the English language … and heaven knows they are needed now, more than ever.

William Safire, 1929-2009

It was Safire, incidentally, who as Richard Nixon’s speechwriter coined the marvelously alliterative phrase “nattering nabobs of negativity” so favored by then-vice president Spiro Agnew.

   Of course, that was before Agnew muttered — far less belligerently — another (Latin) phrase, nolo contendre while on trial for bribe-taking, after which he preceded his boss in slinking ignominiously out of office — the only time in American history that a president and his veep have both had to resign in disgrace.

   And speaking of language and history … I’d like to know when (and why!) people began (mis)spelling the word “honey” as if they were referring to a follower of Attila the Hun (A.D. 406-453).

   It has been explained to me that such now-common spellings as “u” (versus “you”), “ur” (versus “you’re”), and “2” (versus “too”) are a result of the pervasiveness of texting as a means of communication. Such abbreviated forms, I’ll grant, are something akin to a latter-day Morse Code. Moreover, as with telegrams, there is often a limit on the number of characters which can be sent in any given text message.

Attila the Hun, 406-453

   OK, fair enough. Presented with that rationale, I can even manage to grit my teeth and accept it when I see the abominable “prolly” (versus “probably”), since that does save two characters. But why in the Unholy Name of the Powers of Darkness have people taken up using “Hunny“ and its short form “Hun“ (versus “Hon”), when in neither case a single character or punctuation mark is thereby eliminated?

   It seems especially ironic to be using this as a term of endearment, inasmuch as the infamous Attila and his barbaric hordes were notorious for their brutal savagery while enslaving much of Europe during the fifth century.

   The answer, I would submit, can be found in the inglorious American educational system, rapidly deteriorating to sub-Third World levels and churning out young people who are as illiterate historically as they are grammatically. So, in the interest of following the dictum that counsels us to “light a candle rather than curse the darkness,” I will present a little remedial history lesson (courtesy of Wikipedia).

   As it demonstrates, this is by no means just ancient history, either, since for a generation of Americans who lived through two world wars, “Hun” was by far the worst thing you could call anyone.

Attila the Hun was Khan of the Huns from 434 until his death. He was leader of the Hunnic Empire which stretched from Germany to the Ural River and from the River Danube to the Baltic Sea. During his rule he was one of the most fearsome of the Western and Eastern Roman Empires’ enemies: he invaded the Balkans twice, he marched through Gaul (modern France) as far as Orleans before being defeated at the Battle of Chalons.

Attila is known in Western history and tradition as the grim FLAGELLUM DEI (Latin:”Scourge of God”), and his name has become a byword for cruelty, rapacity, and barbarism.

During the 1900 Boxer Rebellion in China, Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany gave the order to “make the name ‘German’ remembered in China for a thousand years, so that no Chinaman will ever again dare to even squint at a German.” This speech, wherein Kaiser Wilhelm invoked the memory of the 5th-century Huns, coupled with the “Pickelhaube” or spiked helmet then worn by German forces reminiscent of ancient Hun helmets, gave rise to later English use of the term for the German enemy during World War I. This usage was reinforced by Allied propaganda throughout the war, and many British and American pilots referred to their foe as “The Hun.” The usage resurfaced during World War II.

The Swiss Menace, Redux

This photograph, taken by hidden camera and smuggled into Liechtenstein, shows bogus 'mapmakers' at work in a secret facility somewhere in Zurich. Here, operatives for the Swiss secret service are seen fabricating pseudo-scientific pretexts to provide legitimacy for Switzerland's ruthless territorial ambitions

Today, Furggsattel Sesselbahn — Tomorrow … Milan?

Glaciers melt, Swiss get some territory from Italy
AP
Aug. 19, 2009
BERN, Switzerland – Switzerland has expanded its border at Italy’s expense because of melting glaciers in the high Alps. The Swiss government on Wednesday approved shifting the border up to 150 meters (164 yards) into Italian territory in some areas.

The changes were made after the Swiss Federal Office of Topography found that the watershed which determined the border in 1942 had moved because of melting glaciers and snow fields. Topographer Daniel Gutknecht says Switzerland has become “a little bit” larger but added “we won’t be correcting the atlas.”

The Italian embassy in Bern said the change has already been approved by Rome. The shift moves the final stop of the Furggsattel Sesselbahn ski station near the famed Matterhorn peak onto Swiss territory.

Oh, I see, a watershed has “moved” — and it’s all the fault of that nasty global warming no one seems able to do anything about. The Swiss had no real choice, you understand … and after all, it’s only 150 meters. There’s certainly no need to “correct” the atlas (which would rather inconveniently require approval by an international body of cartographers), right, Herr Gutknecht?…

And in the process, Switzerland just so happens to wrest complete control of access to a world-famous — and highly lucrative — tourist attraction, all without firing a shot! It’s rather interesting that the last border determination by Switzerland was made in 1942. I seem to recall that there was a minor little war going on at the time, which may have distracted the attention of the Italians somewhat. So, this is yet another example of Swiss “neutrality,” I suppose?

Two years ago, DP’s crack team of investigative journalists homed in on another little-noticed wire story detailing an “accidental” incursion by Swiss troops into Liechtenstein, uncovering what many feared was the opening gambit in a complex Swiss plot to re-write the map of Europe [read story].

Those who dismiss this as merely an overwrought conspiracy theory lacking foundation would do well to recall that in 1999, the world was stunned when the BBC reported that Switzerland’s secret service had perpetrated a multi-million dollar fraud. A subsequent investigation revealed the existence of a huge cache of armaments near Bern, leading to widespread speculation about a high-level connection to organized crime or even the setting up of a secret army [read original story].

Here, with clever calculation, the Swiss government, counting on today’s short media cycles and the limited attention span of the general public, patiently bided its time after the infamous Liechtenstein incursion of January 2008. Then, secure in the belief (given the distractions of other, seemingly more critical global conflicts) that few, if any, would connect the dots between that ugly incident and this latest outrage, it struck again.

However, this time there are real and lasting consequences. As the Swiss imperialist juggernaut creeps ever-southward towards Milan, there is a clear and present existential danger facing Europe (well, Italy, anyway, if that counts). A de facto Greater Switzerland now exists on the ground.

And the Italian ambassador says Rome is OK with all this, eh? I don’t suppose that has anything to do with the formidable Swiss Guard contingent stationed across town at the Vatican, does it? After all, the Italian army is … well, the less said about that the better.

So what can be done to head off this aggressive Swiss hyper-nationalism? Call on the EU? They can’t coordinate a coffee break, much less a military operation. The UN? Well, given the marvelous job they’re doing in the Congo, it might not be such a good idea to get that outfit involved, either.

The Obama administration has succeeded in persuading the Swiss to implement (albeit begrudgingly) a degree of transparency in their murky financial institutions, long-known for complicity in large-scale governmental corruption and organized criminal activity around the globe.

Only the U.S. had the muscle to force Switzerland’s shady financiers and their Silent Partners to open their books to the light of day. Will quietly assertive American diplomacy be able to rein in Swiss imperial designs as well, or will its overtaxed fighting men and women again be compelled to act as the world’s police force?

Passion & Politics: Melodrama in the Österreich

Far-right Austrian leader sacked for revealing gay affair with Jörg Haider

The London Times
October 23, 2008

VIENNA — The successor of the Austrian far-right leader Jörg Haider was dismissed yesterday after he revealed a “special” relationship “far beyond” friendship with his former mentor.

In tearful interviews … Stefan Petzner spoke openly about his affair with Haider, who died at the age of 58 in a high-speed car crash after a heavy drinking session at a gay club this month. Haider’s party, the Alliance for the Future of Austria, captured 11 per cent of the vote in national elections last month .

“He was the man of my life. Our relationship went far beyond friendship,” Mr Petzner, 27, said after only a week in the job, adding that Haider’s wife, Claudia, 52, “did not object” to their relationship.

“I only had him. Now I am all alone. I would spend nights with him and his family and that was important for me because I often was afraid to be alone in the dark,” he added.

Jörg Haider and Stefan Petzner during happier days. Evidently, this charming couple liked to leave the lights on.

Q: What’s worse than an Austrian neo-Nazi?

A: A gay Austrian neo-Nazi?

Q: Yes. And what’s even worse than that?

A: A gay Austrian neo-Nazi … who’s afraid of the dark?

Q: Correct.

~ ~ ~

   Well … one scarcely knows where to begin with this little item. It would be all-too-too easy to wax indignant at the utter hypocrisy of gay men espousing Nazism, an ideology responsible for the persecution and death of thousands of gays and lesbians (along with Jews, Gypsies, Slavs and other lesser breeds). It’s equally tempting to denounce the Austrian press, which has strenuously ignored the flagrant contradiction between the public pronouncements and the private peccadillos of its leading neo-Nazis.

   I don’t toss that term around lightly here. Haider had earned international notoriety for a series of outrageous statements, including praise for the Waffen-SS and the employment policies of the Nazi government. He came by his beliefs honestly, one would have to say: his father was a Nazi stormtrooper (i.e. “brownshirt”), and his mother was a leading member of  the League of German Girls, the female branch of the Hitler Youth.

Petzner and Haider raising a toast of white wine -- doubtless a symbolic salute to Aryan supremacy. Prost!

   Gay men — even neo-Nazis — are known for being hard-partying types, and you might say that parties were the Alpha and the Omega of the Haider-Petzner relationship.

   Petzner was a university student when he met Haider at a party, after which he dropped out of school and became Haider’s “special friend.” At the time, Petzner was also working as a journalist, writing about (ahem) cosmetic treatments. Obviously, a serious young man of great depth — just who you’d want assuming leadership of a national political party. (In fact, he could be termed the “Sarah Palin of Austria,” although in fairness the former Alaska governor did manage to complete her degree in “sports journalism” — albeit attending five different colleges to do it).

   Now, on the night of the fatal crash, Messrs. Haider and Petzner evidently had a bit of a spat at a magazine launch party. Anonymous sources claim that Petzner unkindly suggested Haider (who was twice his age) ought to lay off the tanning salon sessions and start some Botox treatments. Haider, according to these sources, took umbrage, feeling that his perpetual tan gave him a glow of youthful vitality nicely set off by the ice cream-colored suits that comprised most of his wardrobe.

   In any case, Haider left hurriedly and drove to a gay club in Klagenfurt, his home town, where he drank vodka with male escorts. He then left the club and got behind the wheel of his car despite being barely able to walk. Obviously, a responsible man of good judgment — just who you’d want serving as a senior statesman in your country’s government.

   To cite a quotation that has been variously ascribed to Adlai Stevenson, G. Bernard Shaw, Thomas Jefferson, Joseph de Maistre, Alexis de Tocqueville, William Shakespeare and Hunter S. Thompson: “In a democracy, people get the government they deserve,” which is to say that the moral integrity and character of elected officials is a reflection of the values of those that voted them into office.

Kurt Waldheim, Austria's 9th president. As a young man, Waldheim applied for membership in the Nazi Party shortly after Germany annexed Austria in 1938. A real patriot, to be sure.

   Nowhere, I would submit, is this more true than in Austria, which also gave us Kurt Waldheim — remember him?

   Craven opportunism ran in Waldheim’s family. His father, a Catholic of Czech ethnicity named Watzlawick, changed his name in 1918 when the Habsburg monarchy collapsed. Young Kurt was in the Austrian Army from 1936-7 before serving in the Wehrmacht officer corps from 1941-45.

   Waldheim went on to become secretary-general of the United Nations in 1972. In that position, he tacitly endorsed a letter sent to him by Idi Amin applauding the massacre of the Israeli Olympic athletes in Munich, guided a resolution asserting that Zionism was a form of racism, and described the Israeli rescue of hijacked airline passengers at Entebbe, Uganda as “a serious violation of the national sovereignty of a United Nations member state. “

   To reward Waldheim for bringing such honor upon their country as an international diplomat, the Austrian people elected him president in 1986. (Incidentally, his history of anti-Semitism did not prevent the Vatican from smiling upon him: in 1994, Pope John Paul II awarded Waldheim a knighthood in the Order of Pius IX.)

Kid Rock; or, Arrested Adolescence

Kid Rock, judge differ on community service

AP, Dec. 3, 2008

LOS ANGELES – Kid Rock is upset that he can’t pick the good deed that will serve as his punishment for a brawl at a Georgia Waffle House.

In a post on his Web site, the rocker blasts a judge for denying his request to serve his 80 hours of community service by performing for U.S. troops stationed in the Middle East.

“Apparently he thinks it’s more important that I do something else rather than sing, shake hands, [and ] take pictures…” the singer wrote in a message posted on his site.

A recent mug shot of Robert J. Ritchie (aka "Kid Rock"), who rose to fame and fortune by proclaiming "I wanna be a cow-boy, ba-by."

   That’s right, Kiddo – the judge apparently thinks you shouldn’t be having a good time while serving a criminal sentence, but instead should be doing something more-or-less unpleasant — you know, the way non-rock stars have to do when they get community service. Imagine that — what a travesty of justice!

   As I recall, “Snoop Dogg” — who I prefer to call by his real name, Cordozar Calvin Broadus, Jr. — wanted to coach Little League football as his mandated community service after his multiple felony convictions. I guess he figures that his various videos espousing sex, drugs, and violence make him an ideal role model for young boys (I wasn’t aware that he was such an expert on football, either).

Cordozar Calvin Broadus Jr. (aka "Snoop Dogg"). Just the sort of model citizen you'd want coaching your son's football team, right?

   And I think “Boy George” — who I prefer to call by his real name, George O’Dowd — made several suggestions as to what he considered appropriate community service as punishment for filing a false police report and cocaine possession. These included holding a fashion and makeup workshop, serving as a D.J. at an HIV/AIDS benefit, and doing telephone outreach for troubled teens. Say … isn’t that the same guy who was recently busted for tying up male prostitute Auden Carlsen and whipping him with a chain? Yeah … I can see how he’d be just the fellow to help youngsters sort out their psychological issues and make healthy lifestyle choices.

George O'Dowd (aka "Boy George"). He's used to making a public spectacle of himself, of course, and this outfit is downright invisible compared to the getups he wears on stage and about town.

   Leaving aside the matter of how preposterous it would be for a judge to let either of those individuals anywhere near a young person in any capacity — much less that of a coach or counselor — what is really breathtaking is the sheer arrogance of these Legends In Their Own Mind, who are obviously used to being lords of their petty domains, surrounded by an entourage of fawning “assistants” who clean up their messes after them. The idea that they, not … oh, a judge, should be the ones to determine their appropriate punishment seems to be universal among that ilk.

   But getting back to “Kid Rock” — who I prefer to call by his real name, Robert J. Ritchie — he also complained that the judge’s ruling was a “slap in the face” and that he is having trouble thinking of a better form of community service. OK, Mr. Ritchie, I realize you’ve made a brand name out of glorifying your eternal post-adolescence, so I’ll try to make this real simple for you — you know, like I would for … well, a kid: it was SUPPOSED to be a slap in the face, dude! That’s what judges are doing when they hand down punishments, not giving slaps on the wrist. Oh, and don’t strain your booze-and-drug addled brain trying to think of a better form of community service, OK? I’m quite sure the judge will be able to come up with something without any help from you, believe it or not.

   I’ve got a little news flash for these privileged egomaniacs who obviously have no concept of accountability: community service isn’t supposed to be fun! It’s designed to be the sort of thing that makes you never want to have to do it again! And you certainly shouldn’t expect to look good doing it. In fact, you’re supposed to look like a dork in your orange-striped safety vest or janitorial overalls. Yes, public humiliation is part of the package.

   That’s why Broadus had to clean toilets, rake leaves, wash cars and pick up litter in an Orange County park for his community service. That’s why O’Dowd had to sweep leaves and trash off NY City sidewalks for his.

Naomi Campbell blows the paparazzi a kiss while leaving court after pleading guilty to assaulting a maid. She's the very picture of remorse and contrition, wouldn't you say?

   And that’s why Naomi Campbell (which evidently is her real name) had to mop floors in a NYC warehouse for throwing a cellphone at her maid (but the latest in a string of such incidents), instead of … oh, giving beauty tips to aspiring young models. Not that it seems to have accomplished much. Less than a year later, Campbell was sentenced to another 200 hours of community service after kicking and spitting on two police officers following an “air rage” incident at London’s Heathrow Airport. It seems one of her bags had been misplaced, you see, which of course fully justified her accusations of racism against airline personnel.

   Campbell, incidentally, also listed her (real) name as the (real) author of a (really) trashy novel titled Swan. The book, about  a supermodel being blackmailed over dark secrets in her past, was actually written by someone named Caroline Upcher. When confronted about her dishonesty, Campbell waved it aside in her best prima dona style, airily explaining: “I just did not have time to sit down and write a book.”

   Yes, assaulting domestics and policemen can certainly be time-consuming, no doubt.

No, Perv — Leave It On!

Bush To Musharraf: “Take Off Your Uniform”
CBS News
Nov. 7, 2007

WASHINGTON — President George Bush and visiting French President Nicolas Sarkozy visited Mount Vernon today.  During a press conference, Bush told reporters he had called Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf.

“I spoke to President Musharraf right before I came over here to visit with President Sarkozy. And my message was that we believe strongly … that … you need to take off your uniform. … So I had a very frank discussion with him,” Bush said. “My message was very — very plain, very easy to understand, and that is the United States wants you to … take your uniform off.”

Admittedly, this story is a bit dated, but that alone does not make it any less worthy of scrutiny and discussion as Bush prepares to follow Musharraf into well-earned obscurity. A singular episode does not become any less so after the passing of one year.

First, however, a little background is in order here.  Bush, of course, is no choirboy. Before his wife helped him find Jesus and put down the coke straw, Georgie Boy was not exactly averse to a lively toga party at the frat house while working on his “Gentleman’s C” at Yale.

Bush and Sarkozy discussing the potential benefits of international "cooperation."

But Sarkozy has a recent past that eclipses anything from Bush’s wild-and-crazy collegiate years. Sarkozy married his first wife, Marie-Dominique Culioli, in 1982. While she was bearing him two sons, he was (ahem) cultivating other fields. Sarkozy divorced Marie-Dominique in 1996, although they had already been separated for several years.

During that time, while serving as mayor of a Paris suburb, Sarkozy had met Cécilia Ciganer-Albéniz, a former fashion model, when he officiated at her wedding. In 1988, Cécilia left her husband for Sarkozy and filed for divorce the following year. Sarkozy  married her in 1996 — in other words, as soon as he could get rid of Marie-Dominique — and Cécilia bore him a son one year later.

In 2005, Cécilia left Sarkozy for another man while Sarkozy was having an affair with a journalist, Anne Fulda. Sarkozy and Cécilia divorced in October of 2007. The very next month, Sarkozy met another ex-fashion model, Carla Bruni, at a dinner party, and three months later they married at the Élysée Palace in Paris.

Whew … I’m not making any of this up, folks. Anyway, after only one day in the company of this debauched Frenchman, the U.S. president brazenly attempts to bully a Muslim leader into getting jiggy with it! Now it’s scarcely surprising that “Dubya” would so readily fall under the sway of Gaullic depravity.

But Condoleezza Rice, on the other hand, is the type of woman who considers playing a Franz Liszt piano concerto an act of daring raciness. This is why it was so shocking to read the follow-up story one week later:

Rice confident that Musharraf will take off uniform
AP
Nov.16, 2007

WASHINGTON — U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has expressed confidence that Pakistan President General Pervez Musharraf … will remove his uniform sooner rather than later.

In an interview with the Voice of America (VOA), Rice said that while the situation in Pakistan was far from perfect or ideal, she saw some positives emerging from the current developments in that country.

“My reaction is that the positive element here is that … the President [Musharraf] said he was going to take off his uniform [which is] essential,” Rice stated. “Obviously, we are also encouraging that … as soon as possible.”

President Bush and Secretary Rice make no secret of their close "working relationship."

Well, that’s just beyond everything, I’d say. Then again, “Condi” wouldn’t be the first loyal secretary led astray by an unscrupulous boss. A lot of hours together at the office … shared successes and disappointments … lunch on the corporate credit card … a couple of drinks at happy hour after a tough day — well, we all know how that story goes. No doubt, George told her that his wife didn’t understand him or appreciate the incredible stresses he dealt with every day — not like she could. He probably promised to divorce Laura as soon as the kids were grown up, too.

But like all rakes, Bush grew bored and jaded, and he began making increasingly perverse demands on Rice. A former executive, university provost and now America’s top diplomat, she was a woman who could say “no” to any man — except him!  Some dress-up here, a fantasy scenario there, and then … leave it to a Frenchman to give him some new, even more depraved ideas. Say what you will about Bill Clinton, he never tried to persuade Monica Lewinsky to join him in pan-sexual nude escapades for all the world to see.

Now, as she prepares to ride off into the sunset, it’s easy to feel a bit sorry for Rice. Her fancy-schmancy private academy education and all her graduate degrees sure didn’t teach her much in the way of street smarts, and an otherwise stellar career has been irreparably blighted by dissipation among the Rich and Powerful.

Mahleej Sarkari, attired in something other than her colorful native garb

However, the reigning “Miss Pakistan World,” (?) Mahleej Sarkari, whose professional ambitions lie in a somewhat different direction, is unconcerned that this might happen to her, too . In a charming post she called “A Little Note to the People of Pakistan” on the pageant’s website, Ms. Sarkari claims that Musharraf, whom she describes a “a hunk,” sets hearts of beauty queens a-fluttering worldwide.

Sonia Ahmed, founder of the Miss Pakistan World pageant (does anyone know what that is?), is also a huge Musharraf fan. On the pageant’s website, there are several shots of Pakistani self-declared beauty queens holding up Musharraf’s picture, blowing kisses and saying, “We love you Mushy.”

“We searched the internet and finally found this picture, and we made a big poster out of it,” Ahmed said. In the picture, Musharraf is clad in his army uniform; thankfully, Sarkari and Ahmed did not discuss any desire on their parts to see him doff it.

“Some … may not agree with these gorgeous women,” Sarkari said. “But here they are kissing Musharraf. … He has enough charisma to have young girls going nuts.” Sarkari said she would love to date Musharraf if he asked her out. “Yes, any time… I like him a lot,” she gushed. Sarkari also said she thought “Mrs. Musharraf would nod her head in agreement that her husband is an icon no matter what happens.” (It is not known if Mrs. Musharraf does, in fact, agree. However, it seems unlikely she would quietly approve of her husband “dating” some shameless hussy on the make).

Unsurprisingly — given prevailing Pakistani attitudes about feminine modesty — most of the contestants in this glorified swimsuit pageant are non-residents. According to Sarkari, “We are showing people that young women from Pakistan deserve a voice and can do great things when given the chance.” Evidently, in her case, “great things” consist primarily of parading on stage in skimpy outfits, while using the voice she so richly deserves to brazenly proposition married men twice her age.

Sarkari, who grew up in Karachi, went to Toronto to attend school but decided not to return to her native country, probably a wise decision. In Pakistan and other Muslim countries, unmarried women consorting with adulterers are usually stoned to death, if memory serves.

Pervez Musharraf (aka "Mushy") looked sharp in his uniform, which he doesn't wear any longer. There are those who feel he might have done better to have disregarded the urgings of a lame duck president and left it on.

Rosie, Miley & Britney: Tired Old Story, Sad New Twist

‘Leave Miley Cyrus Alone,’ Rants Rosie

01 May 2008

Former talk show host Rosie O’Donnell has defended Miley Cyrus, the 15-year-old Hannah Montana star in the middle of a raunchy photo furor.

Cyrus apologized this week for a racy photo shoot with Vanity Fair magazine shot by celebrity photographer Annie Leibovitz. One photograph apparently showed the teen covered only by a sheet.

O’Donnell defended Cyrus, saying the controversial Vanity Fair photo was in good taste. “Leave Miley Cyrus alone,” O’Donnell said, going on to declare that she “didn’t think it was … pornographic. … it was sort of a beautiful portrait.”

- – -
(sigh) OK, evidently, like some other obnoxious “celebrities” who seem to think that everyone is vitally interested in whatever they might have to say on any given day on just about anything, it looks like Rosie isn’t going to go away, even after she’s been dumped from two different TV shows in rapid succession.

O’Donnell also polled her blog readers (in her usual sub-literate style) inviting them to weigh in on this burning issue, asking in her “Question of the Day” feature: Do U Care About This Photo?

Well, turnaround is fair play, so I have a question for Rosie. Leaving aside, for a moment, the obvious fact that “u” have a case of the raging hots for sweet little Miley (who is, unquestionably, a very cute gal) — may I inquire as to just who the heck asked “u” about it, anyway? And my follow-up question: has it ever occurred to “u” that, in all likelihood, comparatively few people outside your fawning entourage of hangers-on care what “u” have to say — about anything?

Let’s bear in mind that this is the woman who has been publicly pleading with Britney Spears for the past year and a half to come live with her (and her “wife” Kelli Carpenter and their kids). Now THERE’S a charming scenario, eh? Better that menage-a-trois for Brit, according to O’Donnell, than hanging out with bad-influence gal-pals Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.

On November 29, 2006, pouring out her woman’s soul to Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Joy Behar and Baba Wawa on “The View,” O’Donnell declared that she would like to teach Ms. Spears how to wear underwear again (!) She followed this remarkable confession with the claim that her feelings for Britney were “purely maternal.” Mm-hmm … yeah, right.

O’Donnell went on (she always goes on…), blithely adding she wasn’t worried that Britney might corrupt her own children. Obviously, this a highly responsible mother, putting her children’s welfare ahead of her own gratification and unwilling to take any unnecessary risk of jeopardizing their well-being, yes? Then again, I suppose that with her for a mother, there’s not much damage anyone, including Spears, could inflict on the mind or morals of an already irretrievably damaged youngster.

So, what’s really going here, anyway? It’s quite simple, and all-too-familiar, actually. A sexually insecure, middle-aged lecher, tiring of a Lolita gone a bit long in the tooth, finds a younger, fresher replacement! Only this time, Humbert Humbert is a woman.

Although Britney — unlike Miley — isn’t jailbait, it’s pretty easy to forget that (technically speaking) she’s an adult, given her sub-adolescent behavior. While this may have made it easy for O’Donnell to indulge in pedophiliac fantasies about Britney, someone (O’Donnell’s “wife,” perhaps?) must’ve done an intervention. Recently, O’Donnell showed a modicum of conscience — or at least some self-preservation instincts — when she was quoted as saying

I have to stop. … I’m a 45-year-old overweight lesbian. She’s like a 23-year-old hot, skinny sexy girl. I think she’s going to call the police soon. … I phone her, I leave her like stalker-like messages. …

It seems like Rosie may have had a flash of lucidity, recognizing that even in today’s Sappho-worshiping society, in which lesbianism is widely regarded as the next thing to sainthood, it still ain’t cool for married parents in their mid-40s to be hitting on girls half their age, while making leering remarks about their panties (or lack thereof) — regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Besides, it’s looking like Britney is more interested in older men–specifically Mel Gibson–anyway (read story).

Nevertheless, although it’s laudable that someone apparently tried to talk some common sense — if not common decency — into O’Donnell, we all know that pedophiles are never really cured. I suppose now we can expect to hear her regale us all with rapturous declarations about how she’d like to take young Miley under her wing and “mentor” her.

Yes, Rosie, no doubt there are many things you (and Kelli) could teach Miley … as long as her parents aren’t inconveniently around, that is.